I want to be awake so desperately. The few glimpses I've gotten of the waking world are potent, colourful and full of life. Though being awake isn't as easy as sleeping, as it requires effort, it's so worth it.
I want to explode. I want to create art. I want to have someone beside me. I want to ride all night with friends and make memories.
Where does Jesus fit in to all of this? I know He is not opposed to such things. The very opposite: those I've seen who truly live in the Spirit have life, and life to the full. They are addicted to life. They are fully themselves.
How do I realise my full potential? How do I avoid sinking without a trace into one little part of myself?
The greatest mystery is in existing. The greatest joy is in being what I am, fully and truly. And God is deep in that, in the heart of that.
I don't want to lose my soul between the pages of some ancient book or die knee-deep in knowledge. I want everything there is for me to have in this world. My eternity is already secure. There is disease and dysfunction down here but God is larger and I need not lie down to any of it.
God is the answer. He promises life to the full, and I want it all. But how do I live in that joy?
The problem is that I am a black-and-white perfectionist. I don't see the grey when I prescribe cures to my ails. I also have tunnel vision: I move with the weather. When it rains, I see nothing but clouds and darkness covering the whole face of the earth. When the sun is bright and the trees are swaying gently in the warm winds my soul shoots skyward.
I am beautifully naive, impractical and optimistic.
When I hear a sermon on sin and judgment, I leave the church fearfully in an attitude of renewed commitment, carefully watching my every step. When someone cuts me down, all I see in people is betrayal. When someone lifts me, all I see in people is beauty. When I see the city lights under the evening sky I want to write songs.
When I hear the music I'd forgotten about, catch a glimpse of the home that waits like a hidden harbour beyond however many years still stand before me, or see a face that promises a new world to me, I wake up for a moment. Oh, please let me stay awake.